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Life Lessons [Nov. 15th, 2009|07:06 pm]
Today I learned not to tell anyone when I'm feeling low. All today and yesterday I've felt like I'm sinking and no-one cares or will even listen. Family, friends, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much you're there for someone or even the fact that you're their child, when it comes down to it you're on your own. I know I'm not the only person with stuff going on and I know my initial upsets sound stupid but all I've been looking for is a hug and someone to listen, is that too much to ask? I've been aching all day but I've just had to pretend to be alright because people will get angry with me if I'm sad. I'm not allowed to be sad. I just have to deal with everyone else's emotional baggage and forget about my own. I'm not actually a worthwhile person to have around, I'm just here so people can tell me their troubles and then cast me aside like they always do. I really feel like I'm not coping and there's no-one I can turn to at all. So I just sit here in tears trying to sound normal and listening to everyone else's troubles. Again. I don't matter. It doesn't matter that I can't cope anymore.
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Moving On [Aug. 28th, 2009|11:44 pm]
[Current Mood | anxious]

I'm both tired and restless, never a good mix. I'm heading back to Glasgow tomorrow morning to set up camp for the next few years. It's so annoying; I've been gagging to get away all summer and now I'm really nervous. I know it'll disappear tomorrow but for now it's awful to endure. I'm letting all the little things worry me and I really shouldn't be. I know everything will be alright. But it doesn't stop me from feeling queasy.

I'm also a bit worried about the fact that Fiona's coming to visit. She sounds like she's on a manic streak right now. Like she was the last time she came to visit. And estranged me from all of my flatmates by going off on one in the middle of the kitchen -____-; I hope it'll all be alright. I mean... Emi knows about Fi to a certain extent. She knows she's not well. I can't remember if I told her about everything that happened over Christmas. I just hope it's all okay. My friends are nice people, I just want them and Fi to get on. It's just added stress when I'm already feeling a little like I'm sinking.
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Well... [Jul. 21st, 2009|12:41 am]
[Current Mood | Feeling attacked]
[Current Music |The Hills Have Eyes on in the background. Not so scary actually.]

Okay, there's something I just don't understand and I'm sorry if it comes out wrong but it's actually making me feel really down just now. I don't get why agnostic people are so against Christianity. I mean... alright, you don't believe what I believe, you don't agree with some of the things in the Bible, that's fair enough. But I don't see why some people have to be so hell-bent against it. Is it just the cool thing these days? Recently on Facebook one of my friends posted in their status:

'--- is reading the Bible. No lie.'

And one of the replies she got was a (presumably joking) 'So, does God exist?'. Here's what she posted in reply:

'...what with the passages on destroying angels, the wealth of homophobia and misogyny and the promotion of intolerance in general, I sincerely hope not.'

Okay, I'm glad she's reading it and formulating an opinion, but she's obviously going into it with a negative mindset. You've got to remember that the Bible, like any book, is a product of its time. So back 2,000 years ago yes, women were looked down upon and treated poorly, slavery existed, there were constant wars and basically shit happened. Just like it does in other classical literature. The Bible has to be read and interpretated in a modern way.

I just don't understand why there's so much anger and hatred towards Christianity. I don't get it! All we're trying to do is live right and be nice people, is that suddenly unacceptable? Because I believe there's something more to this existence, does that make me stupid or bigoted or homophobic or condescending? I don't get it! It just seems to me like no-one likes being told what to do. People are just saying "Well fuck religion, we want to do whatever we like." Alright, fine. Be like that. But don't come down on my beliefs just because you have none of your own! Have I ever once said ANYTHING bad about Fiona being a Budhist? No! Yet I'm forced to listen to her lay out every single thing that's wrong with Christianity.

And some I agree with, don't get me wrong. I'm having an extreme problem with organised religion right now. The 'Church' is pissing me off. But my God is still with me. He's guiding me and loving me and looking after me. That's not going to change. And I don't see why people are being so outspokenly damning of something which brings me such joy and peace. Every time one of my friends says something against Christianity or God it feels as though they're attacking me personally.

So why do it? What makes everyone so angry against God? Why do so many people not only refuse to believe but condemn anyone that does? I have such a pull inside me. I have an ache to believe. When I'm down and lonely just a few verses from the Psalms can calm me and make me feel as though I can do anything. Remembering that Jesus died because I'm so loved leaves me in awe. I can turn to my God through anything and He's there. I've got through deaths, suicides, separations, institutionalisations because He's been there to catch me when I fall. And I don't understand how the vast majority of people get by without that. Or without feeling that, should I say. God loves everybody. He catches everybody when they fall, not just those who believe. The hardest time in my life was when I lost my faith. I've now realised that I need it. I can't get by without it. And I don't know why that leaves me open to ridicule. I don't understand why it makes me a lesser class of person.

It actually makes me afraid to speak sometimes. When someone's hurt or in trouble my first instinct is to say "Don't worry, you're being looked after." But I don't want to say it to someone who doesn't believe incase it's interpreted as an attempted conversion. I'm frightened to tell someone that I'm praying for them incase I sound condescending. It's usually hidden within the phrase "I'm sending you positive vibes", lol. But I am. I pray for every one of my friends. Because they're everything to me. And even if they don't believe in what I do, I just want to see them safe and well. And I believe that praying will help them to carry on and overcome.

So someone please tell me. Explain this hostility to me. Because I'm not seeing the picture of God you see.
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Shiteness [Jul. 17th, 2009|12:27 am]
[Current Mood | stressed]

Everything's shite. I've got no job, no money and I'm stuck in fucking Montrose until halfway through September. Just kill me now -____-;;
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Hmm [Jul. 2nd, 2009|07:39 pm]
[Current Location |Mo Town!]
[Current Mood | chipper]

I suppose I should do an entry to commemorate my last day of being 18... 'Cept I can't think of what to write. Everything's much the same really. I'm just at home and out of work instead of being in Glasgow and out of work.

Oh! 'Cept I've made arrangements to meet up with Aimie for the first time in a thousand years ^^ It'll be beyond awesome to see her again. And we're going to see Blood: The Last Vampire which makes it extra superspecialawesome ^^
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Mmmmmnnn [Jun. 10th, 2009|02:40 am]
[Current Location |The Mo]
[Current Mood | gloomy]
[Current Music |Spaceman - The Killers]

I miss my Paddy-cat. I moved back to Montrose today and all I could think about was the day I moved out. Paddy actually sat at the wall and refused to move, watching us drive away. And then Fiona apparently had to hold him and carry him around for an hour before he would calm down. He saw me off and he missed me. It's just not right that he wasn't here to welcome me back.
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Hmm... [Jun. 7th, 2009|02:03 pm]
[Current Location |My nest, Murano.]
[Current Mood | anxious]
[Current Music |F1 commentary in the background.]

Apparently David Tennant was an awesome Hamlet. I'm pleasantly surprised by this. Scottish men are very rarely good at anything. And he's starring in a TV production of Hamlet by the RSC to make up for ending his run early so it'll be good to see him in action. I have yet to see a good Hamlet. They've all had something wrong about them. Kenneth Branagh was too angry, like Jude Law. He didn't have the wit and whimsy for the role. Hamlet's really quite cheeky and Branagh just acted like the sky was falling all the time. And Mel Gibson's just a tool. I'd've been interested to see Alan Rickman in the role, even though he got slated for it. I like to think he was talented and experienced enough to make something out of the Prince of Denmark. I love Hamlet. The parents are actually taking me to see it in the West End for my 21st. It's 2 years away and I'm already giddy.

Anyway, speaking of pretentious performing types, Derren was AMAZING! He's such an absolute sweetheart. Very funny and very witty... maybe he'd make a good Hamlet XD The whole show was spectacular and he even half 'hypnotised' myself and Caroline. I do know how he does some things, but he's stepped up his game since he wrote his book. So although I know the ideomotor movement and memory techniques he uses, I have no idea how he does the other things. He does explain some things as he goes along. He usually started by doing a very basic version of the 'trick', explaining how that's done and then goes on to do a much more elaborate and impossible version. So although he says there's no such thing as spirits, you're left to wonder exactly how he managed to pick a randomer out of the crowd and somehow engrave her dead grandmother's name on a silver coin in a box which is double locked. Trippy, I can tell you. But the ending was so, so funny and rediculously clever. It's a surprise he's as sweet as he is actually. He could very easily become very big headed.

I'm currently trying to bring myself to properly dismantle my nest. I hate Murano Street Student Village, but my room is very homey and so... me. Pirate hats and mad scientist glasses lying around all over the place. There's been good times in First Year and it's going to be so sad not to be a Fresher anymore... I hope they don't expect us to know what we're doing after this o.o I'm just as lost as I've ever been. The parents are coming down tomorrow evening and we're going for dinner and doing a little packing. Then they're spending the night at a hotel and we'll move me back properly on Tuesday. They're also going to get a chance to see the new flat since I have to drop stuff off. Mum's excited I can tell X3
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A Little More Upbeat... [Jun. 5th, 2009|12:30 am]
[Current Location |Glasvegas, baby!]
[Current Mood | chipper]
[Current Music |Battle for the Sun - Placebo]

"Let us be lovely
And let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damnit how HAPPY we'll be!"


Monkton makes all things well. Period.

And things are a bit better. I use the word 'bit' knowingly. Things aren't as visibly falling apart. And if they can be hidden they're not as serious, non?

Many good things have been happening lately. Main one was trundling off down to London for the MCM Expo which was EPIC BEYOND THE TELLING OF IT. Well, perhaps not so much Expo itself as the company. Met some very very lovely people who kept me in hugs all weekend. Though there was also an incident involving a cane which I won't go into...

And then there's Derren. Oh Derren, the masterful master of the mind. Caroline and I are going to his show at the Concert Halls tomorrow and I'm giddy with excitement. He's such a wonderful showman and I don't think he's ever been to Glasgow with his shows before so it was an opportunity which couldn't be passed up. Caroline and I will most likely spend the whole evening squeeing from the dress circle... He won't be able to hear us from there, right? Maybe he'll end up getting them psychically! Psychic squee; even more annoying than the regular kind XD

Uuuuh, what else... I have a flat booked for the next 4 years! Deposit's paid and everything. Emi, Robyn, Katie and I are all bunking in. It's the next step towards Emi and I becoming a lesbian couple really. We've already had the drunken petting moments and her giving up on men XD Though from the way Chris ended things with her, he obviously isn't much of a man >.> I miss Emi~~ She's away sailing with OYT for 3 weeks. Being a PIRATE. There's jealousy hatred going on, I tell you.

Meh, I've also lost my job at Specsavers. Huma left which reduces them to single testing which means they're horrendously overstaffed and I get the short straw. Which means I'm pretty much going to be jobless since there's fuck all in Montrose and Dad can't afford to keep me in Glasgow over the summer. £900 overdraft's not going to go anywhere fast. But oh well, keep on plugging. Life's mainly positive just now. I'm even moving out of halls next week. Never to darken the vomit-crusted doorstep of Murano Street Student Village ever again. Can I get a "HELLS YEAH"!
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Shrigley extract [Apr. 28th, 2009|12:47 am]
Speak up!
I can't hear you
You are mumbling
You are whispering
You are getting smaller
You are shrinking
You are too small
You are not a person anymore
I can't see you
Our conversation is over
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London, baby! [Nov. 16th, 2008|10:22 pm]
[Current Location |Glasvegas]
[Current Mood | giddy]
[Current Music |Piece of Me - Britney Spears]

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! I've booked my hostel for the Expo in May! WoopWoop! ^______________________________^
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Well... [Nov. 12th, 2008|10:53 pm]
[Current Location |Glasgow]
[Current Mood | melancholy]
[Current Music |If I Was Your Vampire - Marilyn Manson]

I haven't felt this alone in a long time. I just... I feel so out of place. Even with my friends. There's just so much going on right now. I really need to sit down with a cup of tea and talk to someone about everything. But it's not fair to put that kind of burden on my friends here, I've only known them a few months. I just feel so trapped here with no-one to go to for a chat and a hug.

I seriously think I'm 11 years old again, you know. I can't believe the songs I have on right now. I haven't listened to Manson in years.
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Infection! [Nov. 6th, 2008|08:45 pm]
[Current Location |Montrose]
[Current Mood | sick]
[Current Music |Last Train Home - Lostprophets]

I've found another downside to living in halls. DISEASE! I've caught Anna's tonsilitis and I'm in fucking agony >.< I feel as though I've swallowed a mace. I can't sleep but am continuously tired and when I do finally drift off I have weird dreams.

At least I have the pleasure of being in my own bed. Yesterday I signed myself off from uni for the rest of the week and decided to come home since I was going to come back anyway on Friday. So I got back to Montrose at about 11-ish yesterday to find mum had made me some soup. She's a star.

AND to add to the actual illness, the date that's been set for my English exam also made me feel sick. SATURDAY the 13th of December! How wrong is that?! Do they not have laws against these kinds of things? Goodness only knows when my Theology one is. Chances are she'll never tell us ¬¬

Mneh, bad couple of days.
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I Hate My Life [Oct. 26th, 2008|04:29 am]
[Current Location |Glasvegas]
[Current Mood | aggravated]
[Current Music |ABSOLUTE GOBSHITE!]

It's half 4 in the morning. I got to sleep just under 2 hours ago. I have a headache and the most rediculous cold you ever did see and now my flatmates have decided it would be a braw idea to play shit music as loudly as they can.

Not only that! But now that that bloody O-Zone song has come on, a very drunk girl has stopped to sing along right under my window and she only knows every 4th bloody word!

Halls are shit sometimes.
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Hmmm [Oct. 20th, 2008|07:58 pm]
[Current Location |Glasvegas]
[Current Mood | contemplative]
[Current Music |Science Fiction - Rocky Horror OST]

After spending much of my recent time watching/reading Death Note I have come to a decision.

Yagami Light is a complete deviant. I don't like him.

I'm finding it really difficult to watch the last 10 or so episodes. I miss L ;.;
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...oh [Oct. 16th, 2008|04:46 pm]
[Current Location |Glasgow]
[Current Mood | content]
[Current Music |uhh, I have the radio on... I think the last song was Rihanna.]

Wow, a year 2 weeks since I last updated. That's hilarious! What's even more hilarious is I'm supposed to be doing a Wordsworth analysis right now, but I hate the man violently so I'm damned if I'm giving it my full attention.

So, yeah, lots has been happening.

I'm in uni now, so I've left the drudgery of Montrose for the glittering shores of Glasgow. It's insane here! It's AWESOME! I'm lovin' city life. 24hr pizza delivery and cocktail bars open 'till 3, all the ingredients for a happy Mairi. Ashton lane is a particular loveliness.

My courses are all great. English literature is what I was born to study. Gimme anything (Wordsworth aside, obviously >>) and I'll analyse the hell outta it for you! I can even tell the difference between iambic and trochaic pentameter. Fucked if I could do that this time last year! Theology is surprisingly interesting. The whole Church history thing used to be just a mush to me. One minute you had Jesus and then the reformation happened as far as I was concerned (for those of you not in the know, there was 15 centuries between them roughly XD). And... I gave up German! >< I could not believe it myself, honestly! I got into my first German class and basically burst into tears in the middle of everything because I couldn't do it and I missed French. Erego, I am now a French student again. And it's amazing. Period. We're doing poetry and films (our first is Amélie!) and it's just awesome. So yeah, I flaked but it paid off, lol.

Uni totally isn't how I expected it to be. I think that's partially down to me. I haven't made a huge amount of friends. I seem to have made some good aquaintances and a small bundle of close friends. I dunno if that's better or not, but I guess it suits me. I get scared in large groups of people, lol. I really do love the people who have become my friends though. We're all kindred spirits, lol. I've even shotgunned myself some living space next year! It's a general concensus that we'll stay in the west end which is awesome. I think it's the best place in the world.

Let's see, what else... I'm suffering Rammstein and Legacy of Kain withdrawl. Otherwise everything is good.

W00t!
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I'm So Sad :( [Oct. 2nd, 2007|12:49 pm]
[Current Mood | sad]
[Current Music |Placebo *sniff*]

Steve Hewitt has left Placebo. I honestly can't believe it.
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Rammstein/Emigrate Uber-Rant [Sep. 3rd, 2007|09:17 pm]
[Current Mood | angry]

I have just had the giant misfortune of hearing the new album from Emigrate and I have to say I'm completely disgusted.

Bit of background info for you:
In 2001 Rammstein were dangerously close to splitting up because the lead guitarist Richard was being a complete control freak and tensions were so high the whole shebang almost imploded in a spectacular way. So in an attempt to channel his energies somewhere else he started his solo project; Emigrate. The creation of this project essentially saved Rammstein and they went on to release 2 more studio albums and are currently working on a 6th.

So, when Rammstein went on their break after a year and a half Ahoi! tour to promote 'Reise, Reise' and 'Rosenrot', Richard began working full time on Emegrate. It was promoted ad infinitum on all the Rammstein sites and everyone was ready and willing to give support and rush out and buy the album. And y'know what? It's just plain SHITE.

Thank fuck I didn't actually waste money on it, I had the common sence to listen to it on YouTube first. The songs are all the same tuneless trash and all Richard is proving by finally taking the microphone after 13 years is that he should be bolted to the floor in his lead guitar possition! For some unfathomable reason, all the vocals have been distorted and synthesised so he just sounds like a Furby trying to sing. And I use the word 'sing' in a very loose term. The guitars are flat, the drum beats childlike and simple (nothing compared to the talent of Schneider [Rammstein's drummer]) and the words are so fucking stupid! They make no sence, a fucking child could have written them!

Another thing that REALLY got to me was the fact that the whole CD seems to be trying to slate the fact that he's German. From the very begining, all members of Rammstein (Richard included) said they wanted Rammstein to be GERMAN, that they wanted to create an identity for a newly re-unified Germany and that anything remotely English would never do. But the very title of Emigrate seems to show that he wants to get away from his German heritage. All of his songs ('Emigrate', 'New York', etc.) praise America to the hilt, saying that it saved him and all that shit, as well as the vocals being distorted to try and eliminate any hint of a German accent. AND the first place the 'band' is going to tour is Germany. Fucking hypocrite!

And the whole bloody record is just about HIM! 'Oh look at me, I'm Richard, I'm so great I don't need Rammstein any more' The front cover of the CD is just his fucking FACE! All of the 'songs' are self-righteous crap, they're just about him! I mean, I know he wanted to get out on his own and all of that but that's just far too far.

Rammstein is musical genius. It's absolutely poetry with subtle, beautiful lyrics that can send shivers down your spine or inspire the utmost anger and haunting music that stays with you. The vocal talent of Till Lindemann is deep and moving and the horrid, tinny almost teeny-bop record from Emigrate actually makes me feel sick.

I now have to go listen to Rammstein and cleanse my ears

[end rant]
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I'M OLD GREGG!!!! [Aug. 18th, 2007|06:27 pm]






What Mighty Boosh character are you most like? Including the hitcher and the moon.




You're...Old Gregg the funky merman.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
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I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER [Feb. 26th, 2007|04:20 pm]
[Current Mood | fucking livid]

I HATE HER I FUCKING HATE HER! WHAT THE FUCK GIVES HER THE RIGHT TO RUIN MY LIFE LIKE THIS! "BIG DISAPPOINTMENT" FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING CENTURY! THIS IS ALL I'VE WANTED TO DO FOR 9 YEARS YOU FUCKING CUNT!!! I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER.

C'mon then, Mrs Dewar in your infinite fucking wisdom; what the fuck do I do now?!?!
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By any chance... [Feb. 22nd, 2007|08:01 pm]
[Current Location |Sofa]
[Current Mood | curious]
[Current Music |The Cold Light of Morning - Placebo]

...does anyone feel like taking me to the German Formula 1 Grand Prix for my birthday?

Cookies and eternal love will be given as a reward
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